Musings From The Path
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking as of late and a lot of searching. Searching for what life is really all about. Why am I here on this planet right now, what do I want in my life, you know all the heavy stuff we rarely make time to think about. While I have been doing this introspection I have also been reading a lot, listening to podcasts and taking courses in mindfulness and the Dharma. I have this sort of insatiable hunger to learn, to seek, to find. It’s like I just can’t get enough of it. Each time I uncover something new which leads to looking into something else. It is like a never ending circle. Perhaps I am making it sound taxing or painful but I assure you it is not. I am energized by learning.
There are so many things that have come to light to me in the past months. It is like a daily lightbulb going off above my head. Some people such as Oprah call it the “a-ha” moment. I am experiencing many of those insights and they feel so fresh yet also like they have always been there waiting to be released.
It is absolutely true what they say — what you need or what you seek is already right within you. I know this is true now. One just has to take the time to unravel it.
I have a feeling that I will be unraveling for the rest of my life or at least I hope that I will be. Life is full of intrigue and excitement. Every day there is some new lesson to be learned and I am not exaggerating here. Some lessons are much smaller or seem more insignificant to others but they are there when you listen. Some are also much more painful to learn what the true meaning really is. Anxiety is a big one that visits me through various facets. Most recently for me this has involved getting the COVID-19 vaccine and dealing with the complete hypochondria that followed. I had the AstraZeneca concoction just the other day. The media certainly has not helped me in accepting that all will be well. Any little tinge in my body I think “oh my god, am I having a stroke? Is that a blood clot forming?” and on the insane thoughts go. Sometimes these thoughts can be so strong that my heart begins to pound, it feels like a noose is being tightened around my neck, my hands and feet start to sweat and my thoughts tumble down a vast dark tunnel of despair. My mindfulness practice does not stop these thoughts from occurring but they do help me recognize them sooner for what they are. Silly, made up stories that I am telling myself. This does not just occur once. Oh no, they repeat like a scratched record throughout the day reminding me — be present, be here right now.
Pain is a teacher. Not my favourite teacher, but a guide nonetheless.
I realize that all of my trials and tribulations throughout my life buried my heart under layers and layers of shit. Like a massive cow dung pile in your house that you don’t even realize is there! It just keeps getting bigger and bigger over the years. At times when you have some sort of crisis or breakthrough a little bit of noxious gas might be let out. Just enough so you feel some ease and can forget about that shit pile. But it festers and continues to grow in size until it becomes so unmanageable that you break. This break can look and feel different to people. Some may start to notice the cracks and the fumes oozing out so they grab a drink or some other sort of substance to plug the hole back up. If they can just keep that level of numbness there then they don’t have to actually feel the feels. Others pretend that everything is great all the time, they live in a sort of la la land of sorts. “Life is perfect, what problems — I have no problems?!”. Then others such as myself completely crumble. It may not be obvious to others that the crumbling has begun. Some of us can be very bright about this. We know how to cover it up, keep it well hidden, put on a smile and fake it. Underneath it is like acid is coursing through your veins, your mind and body are literally on fire. I think if they plugged one of us in we could power an entire city?! Imagine if we could actually harness that power in a good way. Perhaps the next big invention?
My heart has been exposed. I think it is pretty naked at this point. There may be a few little piles still there that I don’t know about yet but I’m sure they will reveal themselves when the time is right. Like I said, there is a lesson to be learned every day which often dips me into the quagmire of shit. The thing about having a naked or vulnerable heart is that I now feel EVERYTHING. When I really connect with someone and they share their story with me, I feel it in my heart. When they share their difficult and painful emotions it is like a heaviness sits upon my chest. I have to put my hand there and take a deep breath to let it in. I can cry at the slightest thing and I have never been a big cryer. At my wedding my husband and his entire side of the family cried for at least 90% of the ceremony while mine sat and watched with controlled smiles on their faces. Well that is not me anymore. I cry now. I cry A LOT. It is a release and it helps me to recognize what I am actually feeling.
I can say to myself “that is rejection I am feeling — that hurts” or “that is shame that I am feeling”. Just saying it out loud is so freeing.
This vulnerable heart I now find myself with is also able to bring me so much more joy than I ever experienced in the past. I find myself turning up the music, singing at the top of my lungs and breaking into a boogie on a regular basis. Music sounds so amazing to me right now. I keep saying to my kids, “hang on turn that up I LOVE this song” and they reply “mum… you say that about every song these days!”. I am able to laugh and joke around with my family at a whole other level than previously. My son used to say that Dad is the funny one with all of the jokes and mum is the serious one. Not anymore! I no longer have to even try to get out of my head to really listen and participate. I am there, present which is so much more fun. I don’t think that I have yelled or been mad at my kids in at least 2–3 months. That is saying a lot as a parent! I just get them now. I see them for who they are and all they have to offer me. The same is true for my other relationships in my life. My husband whom I love and adore. I can be there for him in a way now that I was never able to before. I get him and can be so much more empathetic. I may not get it right every time, but if I don’t I think I can at least recognize my error much more quickly than before, and apologize. I hear my mums words without annoyance even if she has told me the same story a million times. Instead I pick up on her wisdom and think, shit was she always this smart and I never really listened properly?! Man, was I ever missing out with my impatience!
All this to say, it is worth digging into your shit pile my friend. Get the shovel out and get in there. There are wonders to be uncovered in each and every one of us. Our purpose in life is hidden under all of that grief, fear, trauma and shame.
I always thought it was so cheesy when I heard people say “we each have a unique purpose in life, you just need to uncover what it is”. Well guess what, that is not cheesy nonsense. There is truth to that statement. We are each here for a reason, for some contribution we will bring to this earth and all who live upon it. I think I am starting to unravel mine slowly but surely. I know that I am here to help and serve others. I know that my past traumas are here for me to be a guide, to support others in their own journey and help them to realize they are not alone. How exactly I go about doing that at scale I’m not quite sure yet.
Perhaps it does not need to be so grand. Perhaps I just start exactly where I am. If I can learn to love and help myself I hope that I can do the same for others each and every day. For each and every person that I meet. I hope that I can touch them and I know that they will touch me.
