What My Kids Already Know
I am coming to realize that my kids are actually smarter than I am. Perhaps not in all of the worldly matters that you learn over the years but rather just the presence of being in this very moment.
I have a son who is 12 and a daughter who is 9. They are so alive every single day. They focus on the moment. They are having fun, feeling mad or sad, being incredibly silly or touchingly sweet. These emotions can change quickly and be very powerful. They absolutely feel what they feel, at every moment. Perhaps what they don’t yet have is knowing what they are feeling, that is something that develops over time and needs some nurturing and guidance. That is anger that you are feeling. It might feel tight or warm in your chest and you may feel like you are going to explode.
Some feelings I am only just starting to recognize at 45 years old! That is shame I am feeling, that is rejection I am feeling and it hurts. Some of these feelings I never took the time to feel or to recognize. I’m starting to piece together that I have not been letting myself feel these things in order to protect myself or rather what I thought was protecting myself. If I can push these feeling away or push away anyone who might just hurt me, then I will be safe.
The pushing of those people away may have been based on a complete misunderstandings on my part. Pushing them away because I thought it my own mind that they judged me, did not really like me, did not find me interesting or whatever the thought was that I had. These people never actually told me these things, I just thought them based on a passing moment. I think I have held many acquaintances at bay due to this fear over the years. I feel sad about that but at the same time so very thankful that I see it now and can try to correct this behaviour.
My children are only just getting to the age, I think, that they are developing these internal dialogues with themselves. I can see that my son is so very sensitive and loving and my daughter so compassionate and caring for others. They have so much to give. I am still working out how best to support this development in them. What I have been told is to work on myself and the work that I am doing will start to permeate into our relationships. I believe this is true.
In the past three months I have been doing a lot of work and reflection on my life. Trying to figure out the why’s and how I have gotten here. The practice I have been doing with mindfulness over the past year is really starting to make an impact on my life. Feeling more aware of what is occurring inside me and outside of me in my environment. Slowing down. Being in the moment and appreciating that moment for what it is be that good or bad. Every moment has something to teach me if I can just listen. It is not easy and I don’t think it is meant to be. Life is meant to be hard. Just as we see in nature — there is disease, there is death, there is pain as there is in life. We are meant to feel these ups and downs and figure out how to navigate them with balance.
The other week as I was putting my son to sleep he said to me, “mummy you are laughing so much more than you used to. I like this this mummy”. In that moment he melted my heart. He could see what was happening to me. I didn’t have to tell him anything, he felt it in his soul. Since then he often comes up to me to give me a cuddle. He tells me that he misses me when we don’t get to spend much time together during the day. He appreciates me just as I am. I feel so lucky to have that.
My children will continue to teach me and reflect things in myself. I know now that I don’t need to worry so much about messing them up with my neurosis or past traumas because I am very aware of those now and working through them. I can model for my kids how it is to feel, that it is not always easy and that’s ok. Together as a family we can heal and create the life I didn’t even know was possible.
